April's fools on therapy

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

It was a typical foggy, rainy day in London, while I was walking towards the given adress, situated in the Magician's Place. I was wearing my usual black hat and umbrella, and most importantly, the disillusionment charm, to cover my face, which was not welcomed at all in this fucking country.
Mitch didn't get me into the details, he simply wrote that we must meet immediately, because of something urgent matter.
I trusted him blindly, that's why I didn't doubt in him for a single moment, and I followed his instructions without hesitation, as always. He was always on my side, had my back, even in the most difficult situations, so I left behind the depressive feeling, the useless self-pity, which was more and more empowered me these days, and I arrived perfectly in time to the entrance of the office, whitch was the stone mermaid fountain, in the middle of the Place.
I knocked three long times on the mermaid statue with my umbrella, as Mitch wrote, then the ground simply opened under my feet, and I found myself in an elegant, quite feminine style lounge hall... where Mitch already waited for me in his iconic chequered suit.
- Do you have a new office, or why did you invite me here... ? - I asked the question, curiously looking around the room, which was not at all Mitch's style. He was always a minimalist, black and white kind of person, so this design didn't fit him at all.
- You will understand everything... After she arrived... - my friend answered me, and I wanted to ask, who he hints at, but it was unnecessary, as She arrived in that very moment. She was beautiful as hell as always, and her smell drove me crazy, as soon as I felt it. My stomach flipped strongly, as I looked into her radiant eyes.
I didn't saw her since that awkward and painful conversation in my vineyard, when I called her a cruel lying bitch, and she said to go fuck myself as well... than we drank together a bottle of vine, as some kind of paradox peace pipe.
Even though I was still crazy about her, and deep down inside me I felt that she was partly right, I would never tell this to her, because I was way more proud than that...
- Oh, Mitch... What the fuck? - I asked, shaking my head nervously. He had a sarcastic sense of humor, that he arranged this twisted rendez-vous exactly on April fools day.
- What the fuck? What the fuck? That's what I wanted to ask from you too, for a very long time. The fuck is that, I'm tired of watching how miserable you are, since you broke up with Lor, and as Demi was telling me, you are as pathetic as well - answered Mitch, deeply staring into my eyes, then Lors' too.
- So I have a one and only proposal for you. You go into a couple therapy together to this psicho-medimagician here, specialised on marriages, or I'll arrange that you could never come back to this fucking country, and be Becketts legally again, at all... Even if the case is moving quite well now... - he continued, smiling at us with his ironic smile, which I normally liked, but this moment, I wanted to wipe it off from his smug face immediately.
I growled nervously, looking at Lor, wondering what she thinks now, then after a long pause, I simply said:
- Alright... for fuck's sake.

***

And that's why ladies and gentlemen, the long waited moment came. The broken hearted death eater was sitting now in front of a middle-aged psicho-medimagician, Miss Ursula Marshall, in a fancy room, wondering how could he be more pathetic than this...
- So...Leonard... Can I call you like this, or do you prefer Mr. Beckett?
- Leonard it's perfectly fine, thanks.
- How are you feeling now? After that you unexpectedly met your wife... and that your common friend, Mitch arranged this therapy for you? - she asked, looking at me with her understanding look, wearing designer glasses. Oh my god, she appeared soo typically psichomagician.
- Guess.... How would you feel in the same situation? If you're best friend treated you exactly as a nervous parent would treat his annoying, bad child... taking him to a psicho-medimagician, without telling before... - I asked back dry, but didn't wait for the answer of course.
- Frustrated... very frustrated... by the way, can I smoke here? It would help to reduce this frustration a lot...
Which started to become kind of unbearable, honestly.
- If you must... - she nodded, so I pulled out my cigarette case from my pocket, then light on it. Fucking Grindelwald, I needed this... so bad.
- So... you're saying that you feel frustrated. In your opinion what led you to this uncomfortable situation? Why did your friend happen to feel that you need his help to save your marriage?
- That's a very good question that you should ask from him first... instead of me... - I blowed out the smoke, looking out the window, wondering about the question.
Did I look really that miserable, so Mitch rightly felt, I needed an intervention at last? Maybe yes...
- But... maybe I can answer it too. I think he felt the very reason... which is... that I can not leave without my wife... even if I detest her so much because of what she did to me.
- Thank you for your honesty, Leonard... And can you tell me, what happened between you and Lorien? What was the breaking point in your relationship? What do you mean when you say ` what she did to you `?
- Do you want to hear the short or the long version? The short version is that she was a big fat liar, and I was a jackass... - I smoked again. - The long version is a damned soap opera, so the main question is, how much time do you have for me...

[a p r i l ’ s f o o l s on therapy]

a p r i l ’ s  f o o l s
on therapy




2002.04.01.
skin & sound

Pathetic.
That is how I felt when I realized how excited I was to meet Mitch when I received his letter. He wrote he was sorry about the divorce and the part he took in it, preparing the papers for Leon, but I wasn’t mad at all. Not at him at least… It wasn’t his fault that my jackass of an ex-husband decided to drop a diamond for some roadside pennies… I also knew that Mitch will surely want to meet to let me know about something regarding mentioned jackass, hence my excitement. I just really hoped it wasn’t some new addition to his vengeance, because I was reaching the very end of my patience, my endurance of his insults and sulking looks, and I felt the love I harbored for him wither after the months we spent apart.
So yes, he may have discarded me like a bloodstained shirt, but I was still eager to hear from him, about him, even now. Pathetic, Lorien.

But alas, I was here, in the shitty capital of an even shittier country that I swear was the wettest and blandest of all that I have traveled so far. My father would have rebuked me for not appreciating his beloved Britain enough, but just like my need for anyone’s approval, he too was long dead.
My heels clicked on the cobblestones of the busy square as I crossed it to reach the fountain Mitch mentioned and when I followed his instructions I expected to find myself at some secret gentleman’s club or maybe his new offices. Instead, I was surprised to be standing in some kind of a tasteful waiting room. I took a step forward, towards the sounds of conversation without registering the voices and their respective owners as I was fussing with my outfit that got a bit unruly from the brief walk I just had.

Looking up I froze mid-pace as I recognized the protector and opposite to him: Leon.
- Oh, you must be kidding, Mitch - I whined looking at the tall man, my eyes avoiding his friend for now like he wasn’t there at all. I was not prepared to see him, not now, not after how we left things in Italy after he called me names and above all else, questioned my love for him without giving me a chance to explain myself. That was a low point, for sure, I could barely stay sober for a while after we parted then. Seeing him there, happy on some grand estate without me, thinking I was lying to him on purpose… I couldn’t recognize the man I loved.

- What the fuck? What the fuck? - Mitch rolled his eyes annoyed at his outraged partner and I crossed my arms in front of me, listening to him explain this more than unexpected scene. - That’s what I wanted to ask from you too, for a very long time. The fuck is that, I’m tired of watching how miserable you are, since you broke up with Lor, and as Demi was telling me, you are just as pathetic as well.
- If you called me here to insult me in front of him - I motion to my ex with a tilt of my head. - I would rather leave now before I start hexing the living soul out of the both of you… - I threaten him, sparing a pointed look at Leon too. He looks like Hell, but in the best way possible in the blue suit that brings out the color of his eyes, the sharp edges of his angular face, those fucking lips that can work magic in several ways.

I turn away, to pay attention to Mitch instead, annoyed, but curious about his proposal for only a second.
- You go into couple's therapy together at this psycho-medimagician here, specialized on marriages, or I’ll arrange that you could never come back to this fucking country, and be Becketts legally again, at all... Even if the case is moving quite well now...
I roll my eyes at this and quickly turn my attention back to my once-husband. These threats are clearly not for me: I hate this country and never really cared about what my current surname is, but it was always clear as day, that Leon longed to reconnect with what was left of his family - the name and the estates belonging to it. But then again, I wasn’t the one that has to be bullied into a conversation that could save our marriage at this point. I had my distractions while I was licking my wounds after the divorce, but if this is the way I get back what is mine, what so clearly belongs to me… so be it, I’ll do whatever.
I watch Him as he considers it, stealing only a glance at the other man, loving and hating him at the same time for tricking us into this, but again… I’m not mad. Not at him.

- Alright... for fuck’s sake - Leon grits out and after a few minutes and some quick introductions he leaves with the medimagican and leaves me alone with Mitch, who takes his coat from the sofa I sit on.
- Where do you think you're going? - I ask him, my eyebrows knitting together. - Don’t you want to make sure he goes through with this?
- He will, he knows he has to - he shrugs like he knows him better than I do and maybe he does, but I would never admit that.
- He hates to be controlled and he will leave me here without getting to the couple's part… - I offer my scenario.
- You just don’t want to wait alone… - he sighs, a small chuckle leaving his lips as he throws his jacket down again and sits beside me with a grin on his face.
- A gentleman would never leave me like this after he tricked me into this bullshit, would he? - I grin too, leaning back against the loveseat. - So… wanna tell me about Demi and you?

***

I wasn’t sure why I was here at all, to be honest, so I acted like I was at any other medimagican's office, calm and collected, ready to answer any question she might have for me. I was innocent after all, I wasn’t the one who walked away from 8 years of mind-blowing sex, total adoration, and perfect married bliss, so I was confident I would be fine with Miss Marshall's questions.
- So… Mrs. Beckett or should I say Ms. Barrel?
- Just call me Lorien, it’s easier - I offer with a smile, wondering if I should ask... - Was Leon very difficult? - I do, trying to sound empathetic, knowing how he could be when he really doesn’t want to do something and he didn’t seem particularly happy when he came out of the pleasantly furnished office. Honestly, it looked like the living room of a friend. A rich one. I liked it.

- Well, we are not here to discuss Leonard, but why would you think he would be difficult? - she tilts her head just a little, to give me a quizzing look over the brim of her designer glasses.
- He doesn’t like being forced to do things… certainly not talk about his feelings, his conflicts - I explain simply. He is quite the other way around: forcing other people to do his bidding and not ask questions.
- And you do, Lorien?
- No - I say immediately.
- So I should expect you to be difficult?
- I wasn’t saying that - I answer a bit defensively, taking note that she would be an excellent interrogator with the way she twists one’s words around, but fortunately she changes her line of questioning quickly.

- Very well… - she nods, then scribbles something onto her notepad with a quill matching the baby blue of her armchair. - Mr. Peterson told me that neither of you knew you were coming here. How do you feel now?
I give her a long look, contemplating my words for a bit.
- Obviously, I am a bit annoyed by the method by which he got us here… - I sigh, just noticing the ashtray on the little coffee table between us that already has a few cigarette stubs in it, probably courtesy of Leon himself. - … and I never would have thought about coming of my own intention, let alone get my ex to join me, so… I am curious, I guess - I shrug, earning a small smile from the lady opposite to me.
- Why do you think he wanted you both to come?
- Well, couple's therapy is for couples, isn’t it? Leon needed a plus one - I grin, trying to make a joke. - He said we are both pathetic… miserable since we got divorced - I add solemnly, my eyes fixating on those smoked cigarettes, the same type we used to share after sex. It feels so long ago.

- Is he right? - she pushes on and I look at her chuckling weakly. Darkly.
- Yes - I breathe out, trying not to sound as defeated as I felt hearing this question. Of course, I am miserable. I love Him, I still fucking love Him and I know there is no antidote, no bezoar for this poison I drank so willingly for years that I developed an irreversible addiction. - My friends say it’s only temporary though.
- Your friends - she repeats, almost amused, before she gains back her seriousness. - Do you think it’s temporary?
- I sure fucking hope so - I break out in a nervous smile, fiddling with the hem of my blazer. - One can only be pissed at their wife for loving them too much for so long… - Right? I want to ask her, I want to ask anyone, everyone. I can hold on for a little while longer, I just want to know if there is any point to it, or am I just making myself look even more stupid and pitiful?
- Loving them too much? - she prompts me to clarify with that agonizingly empathic look on her face, that just makes me want to break down and cry my heart out.
- I made a choice… a long time ago - I start, trying to choose my words carefully. - One that protected our marriage… Or so I thought - I sigh heavily. - Ironically… it turned out to be the very thing that destroyed it. And now it’s all my fault.

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

However absurd this situation was, I had to admit to myself that I'm quite excited because ot if.
Mitch was a bloody bastard for sure, but I was so grateful to him, that he arranged this therapy for me and Lor... it gave me back some hope that we could continue on together... which was deep inside my my true desire, but maybe at this point I wasn't even aware of it. I only knew that I want to give a chance to Us.
- I have enough time, don't worry. So please tell me the long version of your story... - she leaned back in his comfortable light blue armchair.
- I was an only child... born to a pure-blood family. I was always taught to be all the time the dominant person, to get what I want and to rule over others... My father was my idol, I always followed him in everything, and I wanted to meet his expectations - I crossed my legs loosely, smoking my cigarette, and after a short pause, I continued on.
- Not even for a minute, was it an option for me, to fail...  I always had to be the perfect, bloodthirsty son... and whatever I did, I must not regret it... - I blowed out the smoke.
- Looking back to it from here, I think I was just a normal, curious, kind hearted kid, but I suppressed that weak side of me for my father's sake. Then I felt in love with Deliah, my step sister, with whom I could be gentle and a... human... for the very first time in my life - I said, keeping a little pause for thought, while she was scribbling something in her notepad.
- And... then they took her away from me... or rather, they took me away from her... To be with someone, who - in my parents' opinion - suited me better. That person was Lorien...
- I'm sorry to interrupt you, but could you tell me, how could they tear you apart from Deliah? - she seemed sincerely interested in the answer.
- Mmhm... My father hired somebody to delete all my memories connected to Deliah, with an Exmemoriam - I explained, then I was looking outside the window again. I could see from here the imposing fontain in the middle of the sqaure, and I smiled gently, as I remembered the beginning of our love with Lor.
- Then I met Lorien, and for 8 marvellous years, I was happy on her side, I thaught she was the one.... my fucking soul mate... - I sighed, then looked back to the brown, curious eyes in front of me.
- But... last summer my memories suddenly came back in my dreams, and I had to realize, that all I thought was love and happiness, was just her and my parents' cruel... selfish lie... -  I smoked again, with a nervous face, feeling myself vulnerable and frustrated again. But somehow, the pain in my chest felt slightly lighter as I said these words...
- I understand discovering the truth must have been painful for you... - she said, with an empathic tone.
- And what did you do, when you realized this secret?
- I told Lorien, I was going on a business trip to London... but in fact I only came here to meet Deliah again... to talk to her... and get her back... but it was a fatal failure... I was bloody angry at my wife... I blamed her for that whole fucking mess... so I wrote her a letter, in which I said to her I want to divorce, and if she doesn't sign the divorce papers, I will ruin her mercilessly - I shaked my head quite confused, so she could see how unsecure I was about this whole thing.
- What did you want to achieve by sending this letter? Did you really want to divorce her?
- I'm not sure... I dont think so, honestly... * I unbuttoned a button on my shirt, because I suddenly felt it choking.
- I...wanted to punish her - I looked down on my perfectly shiny darkbrown shoes, matching with my belt, than I looked back to her eyes, with a hardened face.
- Mmhm... Punish her... That's a quite strong verbal expression... Does it sound familiar to you? Could you remember someone, who happened to use this word before? Whose habit was to punish others in your life...?
I perfectly knew now what she hints at, and at once I saw myself more clearly than ever before.
- My father... When people disappointed him, he always said that they need to be punished to know the lesson... and to evolve...to become their strongest version after that - I said on a little quieter tone than before.
- Did your father punished you as well?
I lighted another new cigarette this point and I answered just after some very long, painkiller smoking.
- Sometimes... yes.
- In your opinion, was the punishment useful? Was it right? - she asked with an analyzer look on her face.
- I think so... I always... deserved it... - I answered, with a weird, heavy feeling in my stomach.
- Thank you Leonard...I see more clearly now. I think now it's time that I speak with Lorien, then we could contiune on the session together... Is it ok for you? Can you wait for her?
I silently nodded, leaving my last butt behind in the ashtray, feeling ready for the new chapter, as I walked out the door.

I went back to the big sofa in the lounge hall, where Lor and Mitch were both waiting for me. It didn't surprise me a lot, as I knew they always liked each other, and since Mitch was with Demi, they surely had some common subject to speak about.
- How was it, Mate? - Mitch asked, with an annoying smile on her smug face.
- It was tolerable I guess... but you still get this back soon, Asshole... - I playfully pushed him away a bit with my shoulder.
Then I slowly walked over to Lor, leaning very close to her, breathing in her mesmerizing fragrance, and smoothing a lock of hair dark out of her deathly beautiful face... then I said:
- It's your turn, My Queen... - I suddenly get embarrased after I instinctively said the old, intimate nickname of her... - ...in crime - I added spontaneously, to ease that name, when I realized I screwed up by revealing my hidden feelings for her like this...
- Don't worry, she doesn't bite... that much... and I will wait for you...
We waited until she disappeared behind the antique wooden door, then we left the building with Mitch, saying goodbye to each other with a quick hug. Then I was walking in the neighbourhood for an hour, to clear my head out...

[a p r i l ’ s f o o l s on therapy]

a p r i l ’ s  f o o l s
on therapy




2002.04.01.
skin & sound

I admit I was a little worried about Leon going in first.
I was sure he was going to make me out the villain of his story and then I will have to go in there and defend myself like I had to do with all our closest friends and family. He left so suddenly and then sent the divorce papers out of thin air with his threats without giving a second thought about my reputation or my feelings. In his blind rage, he didn’t spare a single thought about how it will all look at home. My relatives, our friends… they all pitied me, they all told me how unexpected it all was, just adding to the hurt of the fact and I just had to sit there and take it or worse, explain it all over and over and over again.

- Will you take him back? - Mitch asked all of the sudden, his voice dead serious as he looked at me with those sharp eyes, that saw more than I thought. - Do you still love him?
- You are asking the wrong person - I shake my head with a sad smile. - None of this is up to me. Never was - I shrug, feeling that now-familiar uselessness, that squeezes at my throat. I am powerless against the only person who I deem to be worth the fight.
- Surely you are angry with him too. After all that he put you through… - he wonders and I smile knowing he just wants to cheer me up a little, letting me vent before I go in there.
- Angry? - I chuckle, my voice darkening. - Try furious. Disappointed. Hurt. Abused - I list just a few from the top of my head. - I still love him, of course, but now I feel stupid about it. I would have every reason to hate him, to despise him for the way he treated me, but I can’t… - I sigh, tired of my own foolishness. - I am pathetic, just like you said.

- Well… - he starts to say something as the door of the office cracks open and Mitch stands quickly to greet his friend. I follow him in doing so just a few seconds later, watching Leon’s face, trying to read his features, searching for any real emotion without use. I feel a bit nervous as he steps closer to me, closer than he had in a long time, reaching out to lead a stray strand of hair out of my face, his fingers touching my skin just enough to send a rush of blood to my cheeks as he speaks.
- It’s your turn, My Queen... - he looks at me intently, like he just forgot what a lying bitch he called me just a few weeks prior. - ...in crime - he adds to correct the term of endearment as he seems to catch himself and I take a step back and tear my eyes from his in defiance, barely registering his words after that. - I will wait for you... - I hear him say as I cross the threshold of Ms. Marshall’s office and leave them both along with my confusion over his change of behavior.

***

- A choice? - the medimagican asked with just a hint of curiosity in her brown eyes. - Care to explain it more to me, Lorien?
- I am not sure how much Leon had already told you… - I started, glancing at her, trying to guess how much she already knows about the situation, but her expression remained blank.
- Let’s assume I know nothing - she encouraged me to go on without any clarification and I sighed heavily at the request. I didn’t want to relive this story, this one mistake I made that ruined us, that somehow managed to undo every good thing I ever did in His eyes. - Tell me your side of things.

- Alright - I gathered up my thoughts, promising myself that this is the very last time I am doing this. I am done feeling bad for something I can’t change, there is just no use to keep ruminating about this. I want to move on. - From the very beginning of our relationship, I felt different with Leon than I felt with anyone else before. It sounds like such a cliche, I know, but it’s true… I just knew it was Him, no one else - I smile bitterly, leading my gaze over to the large window looking at the busy square outside. I feel my chest tighten with the memory of that certainty that I felt then, how in love I was. - He was perfect: charming, handsome, clever and British, like my father wanted, so it wasn’t long before our families struck a deal and we were engaged. I thought marriage will be a prison for me, that it will end my life as I knew it, but instead my world opened the moment we said “I do”. He gave me a sense of freedom, a sense of power I couldn’t imagine having over another before and he always treated me like I was… His Queen - I utter the name he called me just before I came in here, the name he whispered in my ears, called out in his pain and his bliss.
I feel myself choking on the word, tears welling in my eyes as I lean back and turn my gaze to the ceiling, trying to will my weakness away, swallow down the pain that burns through my mind, reenacting every memory of that cursed nickname.

- It’s alright, Lorien - the woman’s voice is quiet, calming, but I can’t look at her now, I shut my eyes, letting just a pair of tears make their way over my face heated with shame. - Take a few big breaths - she offers, as she puts down her things and leans forward.
- This is so stupid - I obey as I reach up and wipe the wetness from my cheeks with the backs of my hands and shake my head frustratedly, trying to gather myself.
- It is perfectly natural that you are emotional, upset - she assures me. - But this is a safe space, feel free to… express yourself however you would like - she pushes a box of tissues toward me, but I decide that I am fine.
- Can I scream? - I give her a doubtful look, trying to sound like I’m joking, when in reality I really want to do that.
- Whatever helps - she offers, but I just smile in return. - Tell me when you made that choice you mentioned.

- Yes, yes, that choice - I nod, leaning back into the couch, trying to find some kind of comfort at least. - The year after we got married we were moving into a new home, Stratford House, finally out of my in-law’s estate. We were packing up Leon’s things, I was tasked to go through some of his crates from his Roxfort years. It was a lovely thing, getting to know my husband as a teenage boy, exploring his things on my own while he was busy packing some other things with his mother - I smile remembering his essays, his little keepsakes before I remind myself not to get sidetracked again. I clear my throat stealing a glance at Ms. Marshall who is still listening eagerly. - One of the crates had a double bottom, I had the same kind at home, so I opened it easily and found letters stuck in the secret compartment - I recall, maybe for the first time in my life. I never told a living soul about this, not even my own mother, but here, now… - They were love letters he exchanged with his stepsister, Deliah - I say it without pause, I just need to get it out. - I didn’t read them all, but I wasn’t stupid, I realized quite quickly, that she wasn’t lying when she claimed that Leon was her fiancé before he was mine. I was told she was crazy, but the letters… they were proof that something was wrong - I remember how panicked, how… scared I felt, holding those letters, reading the crisp lines of a woman, who had his heart before I did, who adored him, just like I did. - When my mother-in-law found me when I showed her what I found when I asked her what the meaning of it was, she had no choice but to tell me that they ended that engagement. With force - I add, still not entirely sure how they did it. - She assured me that their solution was permanent and I would only ruin Leon and his life if I told him about what I found - I hold a short pause, unsure of how to end the story, so in conclusion, I just say: - So I didn’t.

I look up at my solitary audience, ready to see the dread in her eyes, the judgment, that I surely deserve along with Leon’s wrath, but she still shows no emotion of her own, just asks away, like the professional that she is:
- Do you think it was the right choice?
I look at her for a long second wanting to say both yes and no. I am not sure what would have happened if I told the truth right there, but it didn't even seem like an option when I was so blinded by the fear of him leaving me. Still, my silence caught up with me and it happened anyway.
- I stood by it for 8 years and it still ruined me. Just like my husband - I smile a sad smile. - So you tell me, Ms. Marshall. Did I make the right choice?

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

After an hour I went back to the therapy room, and I waited patiently until Ms. Marshall opened the door. I looked at Lor eagerly, how she bore this whole situation, then I sat next to her at a comfortable brown armchair, followed by Miss Marshall's gesture.
- Welcome you back, Leonard... Would you have a cup of coffee or tea maybe? I'm sure you're both could be a little tired after the first part of the session - she looked at us, understandingly.
I waited for Lor's response, then I added: - A coffee would be a lifesaver... Especially if it's Irish... - I smiled at  Lor, hoping she is not as mad at me, after the painful soul-autopsy as I deserved it...
While walking I had time to think about us and I noted how I overreacted to this whole situation... The conversation with Miss Marshall helped me realize the very reason for that, so I was ready now to do everything necessary to save our relationship.
- So... - Miss Marshall put the drinks with a gentle smile on her face on the smoking table in front of us. - I listened to both sides of your story, and I have the impression that your marriage can be saved by common work.... I will not euphemism the situation... It will not be easy or quick... that is why I need you to be absolutely committed by the therapy... - she looked at us, eagerly, obviously waiting for a response.
I nodded seriously, then I reached out to Lor's hand, and if she didn't pull it away, I grabbed it, tying our fingers together. Miss Marshall waited for Lor's reaction, and after she continued on:
- My method consists of three very important steps... as a magical operation would.
The first part - which we already began - is to cover up the wounds. The second is to disinfect them... and the third is to heal them... together...
Well...  I already heard about your biggest aches, disappointments, wounds as I said. And we will talk about them later more deeply... But before that... I want you to put all your pains on the table... and I ask the other half to listen to them carefully, without any interference. Try to express your emotions without attacking... using sentences beginning with 'I feel like' rather than 'You did'... - she explained.
- So... who would like to start? - she asked, with spread hands. I looked at Lor, and said:
- I was always thaught that ladies come first... - I smiled ad her with a cad half-smile as a gentleman, then waited for the tsunami to come...
When the word was mine again, I said, with a darkened face, staring at the smoking table quite nervously.
- I... - oh for fuck's sake how pathetic is this... - feel... - damn - jealous... and... disappointed... after I heard that she found consolation with a mood-blood... ex auror... werewolf - I said the last words with undeniable disgust in my tone... I would never fuck with a half-blood even...not that kind of a raff. That's so... degrading.
Miss Marshall waited for Lor's first reaction, then added to the conversation:
- And could you tell me, why the origin, job and... disease of that very person is that important for you? Would you be less jealous and disappointed if he was a pure-blood person for example?
- Not less jealous but less disappointed for sure... I handled so much better when she told me she fucked with half of my friends... Damn.... She is my only Queen... How could she humble herself like this? - I was trembling nervously, staring at Miss Marshall instead the very person I was talking about. At this point, I wanted to upset the table, but I ruled myself and I let go of her hand instead, to smoke on a cigarette to calm my nerves, even if I felt this impossible now... I felt so offended... like that bloody werewolf was an open provocation from her... or even more... a nasty vengeance.

[a p r i l ’ s f o o l s on therapy]

a p r i l ’ s  f o o l s
on therapy




2002.04.01.
skin & sound

Miss Marshall did not answer my question of course.
- It is not my job, to tell right from wrong, it’s completely up to you, Lorien, if you feel comfortable with your choice or not - she explained with a mother’s patience and I smile weakly at her polite reply. - But maybe it’s time we bring your partner back into the room and continue exploring your situation together.
- Of course - I nod in consent, still a bit in my head about the story I just told her. I had spent years suppressing that memory, trusting my luck, my mother-in-law’s words, and my husband to see that there is no need to look into the past when our present is so bright - but ultimately… it wasn’t enough to save us.

As Leon enters the room I feel a sense of relief upon realizing that he did not take the opportunity to escape this situation, that neither of us anticipated or particularly wanted just an hour ago. Somehow it eases my mind to see him, to know he did not leave me behind again without a second thought and that alone helps me to feel more optimistic about the outcome of this unusual conversation.
- Would you have a cup of coffee or tea maybe? I’m sure you’re both a little tired after the first part of the session - the medimagican offers, and I look at Leon, who is waiting for me to answer first.
- A glass of water would be nice, thank you - I go for a third option, my throat feeling dry after all that talking and knowing caffeine may not help my nervousness at this point.
- A coffee would be a lifesaver... Especially if it’s Irish... - the man beside me adds, smiling almost cheerfully at me and I try my best to return the gesture, but I still feel a bit uneasy after my time alone with the woman, who takes a few steps away from us to prepare the drinks using well-practiced magic and I take the opportunity to turn to my partner.
- I’m glad you stayed - I say the words reluctantly, but in full honesty; just wanting to let him know how much it means to me, that he is willing to try, that he is willing to talk after all those months spent in painful, angry silence.

- So... - Ms. Marshall returns in just a minute or so, serving everything on the coffee table between us. - I listened to both sides of your story, and I have the impression that your marriage can be saved by common work... I will not euphemize the situation... It will not be easy or quick... that is why I need you to be absolutely committed by the therapy...
- I am - I say without hesitation and I glance at my husband just as he nods and touches my hand to weave his fingers through my own, drawing my gaze at them for a surprised second before I catch his eyes again. I squeeze at his hand, almost like I am having a hard time believing his changed demeanor.

I only turn back to the witch in front of us, when she starts to explain her method and the first exercise she wants us to complete. I smile wide at its absurdity, sighing loudly, feeling like this is a bad, bad idea when we only managed to get to holding hands again.
- … I ask the other half to listen to them carefully, without any interference. Try to express your emotions without attacking... using sentences beginning with ‘I feel like’ rather than ‘You did’... - she finished up before stating the question: - So... who would like to start?
I look at my ex-husband, hoping he might find this just as risky as I do, but he doesn’t seem fazed at all.
- I was always taught that ladies come first… - he quips before I could offer him the chance and the smirk he flashes to me might just make me want to hurt him a little.
- Well… - I clear my throat, pulling my fingers from his grip to cross my legs and rest them over my knee. - There are a great many things that pain me, indeed… - I take a gulp of water as I gather my thoughts. - I feel… - angry, I want to say from the top of my head, but that’s not right. - confused, most of all - I admit, fixating on some scratch on the table beside my glass to avoid looking at either one of them. - I feel humiliated and I don’t know for the life of me what I did to deserve that. I understand anger and frustration, but having been called names and pushed aside without as much as a question or an opportunity to explain myself… - I shake my head in disbelief, voicing the deepest of my pains first hand. - I feel like you didn’t even value our relationship in the first place - I look up at Leon desperately, hoping to get the explanation that I felt he owed me after these agonizing past months.
- Thank you, Lorien, for being so honest about your feelings - our guide scribbled into her notepad again before she turned to my man. - If you would like to comment Leonard, you can do so - she motions toward him, inviting him to react if he wants before it is his turn to share and me to grit my teeth and try to stay calm as he laid it on me.

- I... feel... jealous... and... disappointed... after I heard that she found consolation with a mud-blood... ex-auror... werewolf.
I roll my eyes. Of course, this is the first thing he says that hurts him… I would very much like to remind him, that he forfeited any and all right to my time, my body, and my heart the minute he left our home in September - but out of respect for our company who expects us to be civil, I do not.
- Reginald - I emphasize said werewolf’s name. - might be all that, - I reign in my flaring anger by taking a deep breath. - but he was also kind to me when I needed it the most. He offered me… a soft spot to land at without judgment or questions - I explain looking straight into his eyes, so he could see that I do not regret my decision to enjoy someone else’s company while he was living his best life in Tuscany and I certainly will not apologize for it.
- And could you tell me, why the origin, job and... disease of that very person is that important for you? Would you be less jealous and disappointed if he was a pure-blood person for example? - Ms. Marshall asks the reasonable question.
- Not less jealous but less disappointed for sure... I handled it so much better when she told me she fucked half of my friends... Damn... She is my only Queen... How could she humble herself like this? - he questions her like she should know the answer to his musings.

A painful little smile pulls at the corner of my lips as I turn to him, hearing him so upset about me humbling myself, like I was the one who decided to destroy my own self-worth until I had lost my standards. It wasn’t the case at all.
- If we are being honest here… - I peer at Ms. Marshall, who just nods, encouraging me to go on. - I didn’t fuck Mitch. Or any of your friends. I only said that to make you jealous, to hurt you… - I admit before continuing. - but with Reginald, it wasn’t me sinking so low or actively seeking someone so inferior out to provoke scandal - I try to explain as calm as I can. - It was that he stepped up when I needed saving, when I needed the comfort of a man's arms holding me and I am grateful for that.

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

I listened to Lor's word patiently, knowing she was right in everything she said. I was cruel with her... and she didn't deserve it at all, but I couldn't help myself, I was - if not born like - but brought up like this for sure...I wasn't surprised that Lor pulled out her fingers from my hand... I understood her... it could be too close for her after such a big distance strained between us for so long.
- I feel like you didn’t even value our relationship in the first place - she summarized her complaints simply, and looking into her eyes I could feel now, how big mistake I did.
- I'm... sorry... I fucking screwed up... Believe me if I could repair it, I would do it immediately - I said with a tone like I was sitting at a medimagician's chair, waiting for him to pull out my teeth... I was never an apologetic kind of person, maybe I never even said  these magical words before to my wife, but after I finally said them, looking apologetically into her mesmerizing eyes, I felt... somehow... free...
Yes. After all, I was not more, just a fallible human being like everyone else... I was just taught to feel myself a king... a fucking god... even if I wasn't that.
I hoped that she will forgive me... somehow... sometime... but I knew it wasn't as easy, so I waited patiently to get her heart and trust back.
But it wasn't just her, who felt herself betrayed... and I didn't mean now the lying thing, because that I understood for now, and I could honestly move on.
The very thing I was pissed about was connected to her choice after me... and I wasn't holding me back while explaining my grievance about it...
As I listened to her answer, I still shook my head nervously, and I couldn't understand the decision at all...
- It was that he stepped up when I needed saving, when I needed the comfort of a man's arms holding me and I am grateful for that - she said, and I just felt more and more jealous hearing it...  Now I wasn't only nervous at Lor and Cobham's duo, but at myself too...
So it happened accidentally... whatever it means... It happened because I wasn't at her side when something happened to her. I felt angry, terrified, and worried about what could happen, and I wanted to ask her about it, but Miss Marshall just said before me:
- Thank you, you were both very sensitive and clever... - she looked into our eyes proudly smiling. - Our time is up now but I think you already have made great progress. We continue from here on the next session... Right? - she asked from Us, and I wanted to answer `No, it's funking not right... ` But I didn't want to sound like a hysterical child, so I silently nodded. After we left together her office, getting back to the square, I wasn't ready to let her go at all... I softly stroked her left arm, and asked from here with an anxious face:
- What happened to you, Lor? Why did you need saving? Did somebody attack you? - I asked, with a shaking tone and a killer flash in my eyes, hoping that she will be honest with me. If something serious happened it would be all my fault, and I would never forgive me that, in the first place.
As we walked through the Magician's Square, I instinctively move closer to Lor, trying to grab his fingers again... I judged myself that from this very minute I would never let her go or risk her get hirt...
- Would you have dinner with me? - I asked from her spontanously when I noticed the elegant restaurant, called Astoria right before us. - Please...
If she was willing to dinner with me, I entered the restaurant with her, helped down her coat, and sat at a nice table, next to the window.
I tried to pay attention to the fancy menu, but no matter how I tried I only could think about one damn question...
- Are you still seeing him? - slipped the very question through my mouth, recklessly.

[a p r i l ’ s f o o l s on therapy]

a p r i l ’ s  f o o l s
on therapy




2002.04.01.
skin & sound

I can barely believe what I am hearing: Leonard Boyd Beckett apologizing, admitting to his fault, wanting redemption.
- I’m... sorry... I fucking screwed up... Believe me if I could repair it, I would do it immediately.
If it was anyone else, I would surely let them know how sorry couldn’t cover half of the mess he made, but it is Him, and the mere fact, that he managed to choke out those words is a miracle of its own. I know him like the back of my hand and he isn’t the kind to apologize to anyone, not seriously at least, but this time, he seems like he really means it. I can see it in his eyes, how truly he regrets making that rash decision back in September, how only now he realizes the mistake he made, but at the same time…
My fairytale of a life is still in pieces and as Ms. Marshall said it will take much work to piece it back together, I can’t just go back to trusting him, loving him so blindly as I used to. I briefly wonder if it all would ever be like it used to, but I have to admit that at this point… I can only hope that there is a way to fix us.

I expected him to point out the thing he so openly thrown into my face time after time to be his biggest grievance, but he manages to surprise me even now. His jealousy, his bigotry may be even greater than his hurt over the hidden truth of his past and I can’t stand for it. I wouldn’t say I don’t understand his stance on this, but at the same time, I can’t admit guilt of his offense. I can see clearly how upset he is, even after my clear explanation and I am sure he would have more opinions to share if it wasn’t for the lack of time.
- Our time is up now but I think you already have made great progress - Miss Marshall praises, surely merely to reinforce us, since we only covered the tip of the iceberg as I see. - We shall continue from here on the next session... Right?
- Of course - I nod, happy to have made progress and grateful for not having to go on and stir more emotions up for the day. - Thank you for your time - I gather my bag and stand from my place to shake her hand. - We will be in touch about our next appointment.

As we leave the office, it feels a bit different to stroll through the waiting room and return to the square in silence. It isn’t outright awkward, but there is a certain nervousness between us and I expect Leon to want to get on his way as soon as possible, but instead, he touches my arm gently to get my attention.
- What happened to you, Lor? Why did you need saving? Did somebody attack you?

Some kind of dulled relief washes over me as I hear the concern in his voice, evidence that he still holds me important enough to want to protect me, but the question itself still stings. My man asking what happened to me instead of being there in the moment when I needed him, as he should have, as he promised in our wedding vows, forever. Leon was always fiercely protective of me and I had no doubt that if he had been there he would have saved me, however, hurt about my betrayal - but that was just it… he was not there. He was not interested in knowing if I was fine, caring about my wellbeing enough to keep tabs on me, like I was doing with him: hiring private eyes, asking about him from our friends, even going after him to Italy.
- You need not worry - I shake my head, my hair falling into my face as I stare at the cobblestones under my heels. - It wasn’t anything serious - I assure him half-heartedly. - One’s destined to get in trouble after downing as much fire whiskey as I did, especially if they have my looks - I give an ambiguous answer on purpose to keep him guessing and give him just a little taste of the worry I felt not knowing where he was, what he was doing.

As we keep walking, I suddenly feel his fingers brush against my palm and I instinctively slip my hand into his grip, unconsciously wanting, needing the comfort his touch brings.
- Would you have dinner with me? - he prompts all of the sudden, making me look up at him, a bit taken aback by the question. - Please... - he adds and I just don’t feel like letting go of him, so I silently nod.
We quickly make our way to the Astoria and for a few short minutes, I let myself believe that nothing happened at all, everything is just… easy with him as we enter, get a table, take our places and browse the menu like we did any other night in the past as a couple. This feels familiar, this feels safe and much much needed; just a moment of calm before he speaks again.
- Are you still seeing him?

I glance up from my menu, just a hint of annoyance masking the returning nervousness in my eyes. Will this affair I had be another obstacle in our path to repair our marriage? Will he make it a bigger deal than it really is? Does he feel threatened by Reginald? I cannot be sure, but I would rather find out now than later.
- What if I was? - I ask back, putting the card down on the table, to give all my attention to Leon and his reaction as I answer him. - After all… I am not your wife anymore.
I know that this could end really badly, teasing him like this. I know that I am playing with fire and risk angering him so much that there won’t be a next time at therapy, but I don’t care. Without feeling the searing flame of the fire, I cannot be sure that it is really there or not and I am willing to burn this marriage to the ground, just to have proof of his love: I want him jealous, I want him mad, in agony and desperate for me, to have me, to hold me, possess me. Maybe I am being petty, but I can’t help it, if he wants me back I have to see him suffer just a little bit, I have to see that he is willing to do something about it. I have to see that he is still my husband and that he would show me once more that I was made to be his wife.

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

It was a long day, and I was already fucking exhausted after the session.
I wasn't used to the feeling to cover up my inner thoughts in the presence of a stranger... so it was quite uncomfortable, of course, but I was determined to do everything I can to get Lor back... My heart missed one or two beats until she answered my question. The insecurity killed me inside... What if somebody tortured or raped her... when I was not by her side... If that was the case, I was ready to kill the bloody bastard in this very minute. I knew I found him at any cost, for sure.
- You need not worry. It wasn’t anything serious - she said, but somehow it didn't calm me down at all. She didn't seem perfectly honest to me. At all.
- One’s destined to get in trouble after downing as much fire whiskey as I did, especially if they have my looks - she tried to make a damn joke about it, and I felt how my blood pressure grew while listening to her.
- This is fucking not funny, Lor... - I whispered slowly, waiting for a more normal answer, unpatiently.
As I was walking next to her, grabbing her hand protectively, I felt myself just a little bit lighter and... hopeful, which could be a damn illusion, but I didn't give a shit. If it's an illusion, I still have to grab it and believe in it. Believe that everything can be the same as it was before I fucked up so badly.
From this very minute, I really determined myself that I will not let her go... not just for a second even... alone...
As we were entering the restaurant and sat at a table, I was relieved a bit that she did accept my invitation and she was sitting in front of me. The very fact that she was with me felt so natural and so clear that I didn't even understand how could I be such a fool to leave her so cruelly. I knew that it will take a very long time and a lot of effort to recover the pain I caused, but before that, I needed to know if I had the real chance to do that. I knew that she wasn't staying on the therapy session if she didn't see a slight chance to the reconciliation, but deep inside my, I was terrified that it's too late... That I was away for too long... and that maybe she has moved on with that pathetic werewolf.
That's why I had to nail the question to her so soon.
- What if I was? After all… I am not your wife anymore - she answered with an ironic tone, which drove me crazy. So this is just a fucking joke for her... again... I opened up with all my feelings before a stranger, just because of her, and now she didn't even bother to give me a normal answer. At this point, my brain was overwhelmed, and I had to do something... something... to show her how madly I loved her, and how fucking miserable was I without her. I bounced off the chair, walked over to her, pulled her up from her chair, then I pressed her back on the big window... not tolerating any contradiction.
- I don't give a shit on divorce papers now... Look into my eyes and tell me that you don't feel the very same thing as I am... that I am still your bloody husband... I have been and I will always be... Even if you don't want that anymore - I whispered into her ears while staring into her beautiful eyes insanely. I heard that the whole restaurant felt silent just in two seconds, and I was pretty sure that everything is staring at us now in the place and on the Square too, but I honestly didn't give a damn shit about it. I just wanted to kiss my wife, if she wanted me to...

[a p r i l ’ s f o o l s on therapy]

a p r i l ’ s  f o o l s
on therapy




2002.04.01.
skin & sound

Trust is like a mirror. Once broken you never look at it the same way again.
I always knew that Leon was like my reflection, my mirror image, he’s so much the same as me, it’s almost ridiculous, while at the same time he completes me. He is the yin to my yang, where I am weak, he is strong, where he fails, I pick up the slack and I miss the team that we were. Now we are broken, he broke us… I miss him so much, but he hurt me. He hurt me really bad and I am not stupid, to welcome him back into my life with open arms, however convenient it would be for the both of us.

- This is not fucking funny, Lor… - he fumes at my answer. He seems nervous and I like it, he deserves to be.
- You think? - I smile, bitterly. He has the nerve to talk about joking, after the stuff he put me through, but alas, I decide to give him the full sotry. - I was attacked on the street as I was walking home one night. I was drunk, the guy wanted my money, so I ended up on the cobblestones with a few nasty bruises. Next thing I know a mud-blood, ex-auror, werewolf… - I deliberately use the harsh words he did before to describe my savior. - is taking care of my injuries and staying the night just to make sure I was alright - I explain in detail, hoping he would realize that this all came to be for one reason: he wasn’t there to do the same as he should have if he really loved me. - It was nice to be taken care of, after… everything. So could you blame me? - I look up to him, briefly wondering if he too sought comfort in some other woman’s arms in Italy. I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if he did, he thought he was starting fresh for a hot minute there, still, I hope he realized quite early on that not every woman is me. No woman could ever be me.

But as he holds my hand in his, I can’t help but let him. My head, my proud, stubborn head screams at me for letting him touch me, and still… my heart flutters in my chest as I feel the warmth of it, the softness of his skin against my palm. I hate how his body calls to mine, the way only this innocent little contact makes my heart beat faster - only because it reminds me how I can’t really live without it. I tried, I had to.
So no matter how clearly a bad idea it is, I agree to dine with him just to stay in this false fantasy of nostalgia. I crave his presence, I want to gaze upon his face and breathe the air that he does, feel his eyes wander on me as I answer him.

I grin wide as my back hits the cold glass that spreads across the wall to the street, feeling the frustration radiating off his strong form while he towers over me, asserting dominance. Unfortunately, my amusement is short-lived.
- I don’t give a shit about divorce papers now... Look into my eyes and tell me that you don’t feel the very same thing as I am... that I am still your bloody husband... I have been and I will always be... Even if you don’t want that anymore.
His words hit me, I didn’t expect him to act like he was the victim of this story again. All the words that left those damned lips, I could have said myself to him and I did a thousand times in my mind, but never to his face.
- How dare you? - I stick out my chin in defiance my eyes staring daggers into his. - You don’t give a fuck about the divorce? You were the one, who started it, Leon! Or you think I have forgotten just because you apologized once? - I question him. - I thought you knew me better than that… - I spit, then sigh heavily, trying to gain control over my shaking limbs and unsteady voice.

Everyone is looking at us as I am stuck between the cold window and his heated body, the restaurant feels almost silent around us, but I couldn’t care less how many people see me absolutely defying him after the months I spent in disbelief and jealousy and worry.
- I never said I didn’t want you, YOU left me, Leon. You said you didn’t want me anymore and I am afraid you might do it again if I let you. So why should I make the same mistake twice, stay with a man who suddenly wants me when someone else might have me? - I tilt my head to the side as I peer up at his stern face, just wanting an answer, some kind of reassurement, that this whole mess… it won’t happen again, ever. I wouldn’t survive it, I wouldn’t want to. - I still want you, of course I want you - I add  softly after a short pause. - I just… I’m scared.

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

I had to know what really happened to Lor... I couldn't take it like that... as a damn story, that she would tell to our friends at an average Friday evening to entertain them while drinking cocktails. - I was attacked on the street as I was walking home one night. I was drunk, the guy wanted my money, so I ended up on the cobblestones with a few nasty bruises. Next thing I know a mud-blood, ex-auror, werewolf… is taking care of my injuries and staying the night just to make sure I was alright - she explained finally the whole scene, while I was shaking nervously.
- It was nice to be taken care of, after… everything. So could you blame me? - she asked, and I couldn't blame her of course, but I was insanely jealous of that very man, who saved my wife instead of me.
- No, I can't - I grumbled troubled, then I just tried to move on from this subject before it drove me excessively mad. I thought I could move on, but it turned out quickly I was wrong, and I couldn't. The minute I had the chance to ask about her relationship status, I grabbed it, and she didn't ease my feelings and thoughts with her words at all. I wanted to get her back, no matter what is the price... All my life I was used to getting everything I wanted immediately, but this situation was the opposite. I couldn't know if I ever will get her heart back, and if so, when will it happen.
- How dare you? You don’t give a fuck about the divorce? You were the one, who started it, Leon! Or you think I have forgotten just because you apologized once? I thought you knew me better than that… - she answered coldly, and I knew that no words would help me in this situation. I needed to act, not to speak.
I was sick of this whole drama...I wanted to take us back to the point I screwed up everything. When I felt betrayed by the very person I loved the best, and that's why I wanted to punish her... when I felt that my life is falling apart, and the only thing I could do is to control everything in the worst possible sense... to leave her behind without fighting for our relationship. I knew I couldn't explain myself, and that my Queen was absolutely right to be scared as she admitted, so I shaked my head and I whispered:
- I am scared too... Fucking scared that I lost you... that it's too late - I looked into her beautiful, mesmerizing eyes with honest regret.
- But as I said before, I have a plan to solve everything... I have a plan so that we could get back to the point when everything was perfect - I started slowly, leaning as close to her as I could.
- I hired someone to steal a time-turner... which could take me back to the minute I decided to leave you... and my aim is to prevent myself from doing it - I told her, with an excited tone. I couldn't know how she will react to my idea... If she will be glad about it, or if she will find me simply crazy... But I had to talk to her about it, I just... had to show all my cards, if that gives me any chance to captivate her back...
At this point I heard that somebody behind me cleared her throat, then politely said:
- Sir... could you please sit down to the table with your partner? - he asked, then I turned my head towards the waiter, and growled at him.
- She is not my partner... she is my one and only WIFE for heaven's sake... and we will sit down the very minute we want to. Was I clear enough? - I answered threateningly, so he nodded without a word and disappeared quickly. I turned my head back to Lor, I touched her face softly with my hand, then I asked her anxiously.
- What do you think...? Do you want to come back with me?

[a p r i l ’ s f o o l s on therapy]

a p r i l ’ s  f o o l s
on therapy




2002.04.01.
skin & sound

I fucking hate being so vulnerable with him now, he just doesn’t deserve it, but Merlin curse him, one can only play the though guy for so long, before admitting to fear repeated rejection. I never stopped wanting him, I just feel like maybe I should… for my own sake.
- I am scared too... Fucking scared that I lost you... that it’s too late - he whispered so broken, I almost let myself believe him. - But as I said before, I have a plan to solve everything... I have a plan so that we could get back to the point when everything was perfect - he started to say and I just rolled my eyes at him and turned my face away in disbelief. Just when I was starting to think he was coming to his senses and will honestly try and put in the work for once…

Of course, he thinks there is some instant cure to this, that everything will be as it was before, that he can get back that perfection we shared in a snap. I wasn’t as optimistic; I just couldn’t believe that there is something that would fix everything all of the sudden and make me never think about what he had put me through again.
Forgive, but never forget. It’s the motto of every strong woman, I heard this phrase so many times growing up and I always thought that it was a warning to always remember the ones who crossed you so they cannot do it again. I was so wrong… It is a warning for sure, but it is a warning about the fact that even if I forgive him, I will never be able to fully forget what happened between us. Our mirror is cracked forever.

- I hired someone to steal a time-turner... - he leans in closer and now I glance back at him, not sure if I heard right. - which could take me back to the minute I decided to leave you... and my aim is to prevent myself from doing it - he explains his idea and for a moment I can’t decide if he is a genius or simply delusional.
- A time-turner? - I repeat like I don’t understand, when in fact I am just processing this unbelievable thing he came up with. - You can do that? But how…? - I shake my head confused. Would he really do that? Go back and change the past just to have me back? Would he really risk that much? I look up at him for a long moment trying to guess if he is serious, but I see no sign of mischief in his eyes, he just seems… hopeful? But even if he would actually go back and undo it all, can he?

- Sir... could you please sit back down to the table with your partner? - comes a polite question abruptly before I could say anything else and I peer over Leon’s wide shoulders to see the waiter a bit confused about the scene my husband is causing. Unfortunately for him, this Englishman is not the polite-to-the-fault kind.
- She is not my partner... she is my one and only WIFE for heaven’s sake... and we will sit down the very minute we want to. Was I clear enough? - he retorts with such vehemence even I am a bit surprised. And a lot amused. I stifle my grin as I watch the poor server retreat as quickly as he can. I only gain back my seriousness when Leon starts to speak, with his hands on my cheek and I can’t help but lean my head in his touch.

- What do you think...? Do you want to come back with me? - he asks, suddenly seeming anxious. My mouth hangs open for a second as my brain scrambles for the words, but it would rather ask a million questions before it would answer his. How would he change his own mind? Can he even meet his past self? Would that past self even believe either one of us? Well… he could believe me being Past Me, but… does that help? And Merlin… Past Me. My heart drops. Past Me knows nothing about what is about to happen to her…

I put my hand against his warm chest and push him out of my way to sit back down to the table and take a big gulp of my drink before I look up at him again, now focused on getting him to tell me all that he had come up with.
- Do you have a plan or an idea, love? - I ask seriously, my tone a bit more hushed than before. What we are talking about is either crazy or illegal, so one can’t be too careful about people hearing us in a busy restaurant where all eyes are still very much on us. - Either way, I want to hear it.

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

I knew I messed up everything with that cruel, insensitive letter I sent to her. She didn't deserve it at all, I knew sooo well it gave me pain. I didn't have any excuse for my behavior. It was my decision and it was nothing else but me who had to assume the consequences. I fucking hated myself that I was such a fool back then... I believed I was still loving someone who didn't give a shit about me. My dreams with Liah drove me crazy as hell and I just... had to give to us a chance... I had to figure out what would have happened if we stood together. I always pitied my friends who divorced or left their wife just for the sake of a wandering crush, and if it wasn't exactly the case with me, I had to admit to myself that the midlife crisis came for me as well.
I came to this conclusion because I didn't find any acceptable reason for my madness... I had everything, that others could only dream of... I had the perfect wife, the perfect house, the perfect comfortable businessman life which should have been enough for me. Why wasn't it enough? I couldn't understand it, looking back from here... when I hold Lor in my arms, feeling her mesmerizing fragrance all over me, seeing her broken glance... this was the moment when I had to offer her something fucking quickly if I ever wanted to have a chance to get her back again in my life as before. And I wanted so I cleaned out my closet with my plan. I was sure that she was completely surprised, and she didn't think of this possibility before.
- A time-turner? You can do that? But how…? - she asked, shaking her head, looking overwhelmed by these information. I touched her head gently like it was possible to calm down her thoughts just with my touch. I wanted to explain everything, but at this very moment the bloody waiter disturbed us. I sent him away with the fastest possible way, then my hands moved down, to stroke her velvety cheeks this time. The fact that she didn't move away and she became one with my touch, gave me the warm, forgotten feeling of hope again.
- I have my ways... so definetely yes, Lor, I can do that. And I will... if you want it too... - I whispered, staring into her ice blue eyes with such fire, as I wanted to melt her heart through her eyes. For a short second, I thought I lost the battle because she pushed me away gently, but unfortunately, she didn't leave me... she only sat back to our table, and took a sip from her glass. I could understand that she needed a second to get her thoughts together, so I sat back in front of her, waiting patiently for her answer.
- Do you have a plan or an idea, love? - her last word felt sweeter than the strongest drug to my ears. - Either way, I want to hear it - she added seriously, and now to drink some wine. I moistened my throat than I started to speak. Very quiet, but very fiercely at the same time.
- I want to go back with you and Mitch... I would arrange that we couldn't meet with our past selves, while you and Mitch would speak with my past self, and talk some sense to me, so that I never make that damn decision again... I even thought about writing a letter to myself, if nothing else would help. I didn't find out the details, but I'm sure that with Mitch we can figure out everything perfectly - I summarized the essence of my plan than added a little quieter.
- The man I hired to steal the time-turner said, that it is very possible that in May I may already have it in my hands - I smiled at her enthusiastically. - So we don't have to wait much, my Queen... - I said passionatly, touching her hand softly in the same time.a I said passionately, touching her hand softly at the same time. While we were talking, the poor waiter was approaching us, then asked politely, with a shy tone.
- Can i take your order, Sir? - I nodded simply, then I chose quickly without glancing at the menu because I was hungry as hell.
- A medium rare steak with mixed garnish and salad for me - then I turned softly to Lor. - What would you desire, my Love?

[a p r i l ’ s f o o l s on therapy]

a p r i l ’ s  f o o l s
on therapy




2002.04.01.
skin & sound

Magic and sorcery solved a lot of life’s problems, one had to admit, but time travel? That sounded crazy.
Dangerous.
Illegal.

It sounded exactly like something that would show me how truly committed Leon is to getting me back. He would literally make the world stop on its tracks and take back everything that happened just so he could get back that life he threw out the window when he sent that letter.
But would he really do it?
- I have my ways... so definitely yes, Lor, I can do that. And I will... if you want it too... - he whispered, his eyes never leaving mine, like he was trying to hypnotize me with those baby blues that I knew all too well. I was also painfully aware of their effect on me; I wasn’t able to think rationally while he looked at me like that, I needed space, air, just a minute to think.
As I pushed him away, I smoothed my hand down his shirt, his warm chest, the faint beat of his heart beckoning my fingers to stay a while longer, but I couldn’t. I needed to think, but I only came up with more and more questions. His words held such confidence like he already knew for sure that it will work, but I didn’t want to let go of my reluctance so easily, so I posed my first questions and watched him take a sip from his wine before he finally spoke.
- I want to go back with you and Mitch... I would arrange that we couldn’t meet with our past selves, while you and Mitch would speak with my past self, and talk some sense to me so that I never make that damn decision again... - he explained in detail like it would be an easy feat to accomplish. - I even thought about writing a letter to myself, if nothing else would help - he goes a step further, but I just shake my head. - I didn’t work out the details, but I’m sure that with Mitch we can figure out everything perfectly.

I took a deep breath before I spoke, getting a bit exhausted by the emotional roller coaster of the day, but maybe I was just starting to forget what it was like to be caught up in my once-husband’s grand ideas and entrepreneurial tendencies.
- And you really think that would solve… the situation? - I tilt my head to the side, still skeptical about the concept. I don’t want to turn him off or make him feel like it is a bad idea, because it isn’t, it’s just so much more complicated than he makes it out to be. - I don’t see how your past self would react any different than you did if I explained to him that those dreams that you were going on about in Italy were the reality… - I have to avert my gaze just thinking about it. He was so hurt, so brutal, but I was stronger then, fueled by my own anger and disappointment, I could take it. Now on the other hand… I am not so sure I could withstand his wrath again like that. - And I know better than covering that up again with yet another lie - I add quietly, fiddling with my glass, trying to figure out what to do. The concept itself is tempting, like cheating on a test at school by smuggling one’s notes on the underside of her uniform skirt, but it was also quite risky. What if we fuck up? What if we fail and make it worse? In this reality at least he took a few steps back towards me after he cooled off, but what’s the guarantee that he will do that again if we alter the timeline?

- The man I hired to steal the time-turner said, that it is very possible that in May I may already have it in my hands - he grinned enthusiastically, like the object was nothing more than some shiny new toy he couldn’t wait to play with and I couldn’t help but smile back at him. He is so adorable when he is excited, like a little mischievous kid and it felt like a century since I last saw him like this. - So we don’t have to wait much, my Queen... - he promised, using that nickname again, his eyes shining with the promise of redemption and a great deal of fun. I loved how everything seemed like a game with him, everything felt easy when he reassured me like that, but was I foolish enough to trust him again?

- How far could we… theoretically, travel back in time? Because if we truly want to fix this… - I wasn’t sure if I should say what came to mind, but I pushed through my reluctance about revealing the entire story of my betrayal to him. - We could try and snip this mess at it’s roots - I offer, clearly afraid of his reaction, watching his face for any sign of emotion, hoping he doesn’t need further explanation to understand what I mean.
If it is possible at all, we could try and go back, let him find the letters himself and decide if he still wanted me. It would be a true leap of faith for our relationship since there would be a chance he would leave me right then and there to go back to his precious sister, but if it works… if his love is as true as he always said, maybe it would mend the cracks in our relationship and give us a fresh start. One without lies and secrets and pain.

- Can I take your order, Sir? - came the shy voice of the waiter again as he stepped closer and this time Leon gave him his order without any further commentary. I glanced at the abandoned menu card, that I put down when he asked about Reginald and if I still see him. Somehow that topic got quickly forgotten after he mentioned his plan.
- What would you desire, my Love? - Leon asked and I blurted out the first thing I saw on the card.
- The truffle pasta, please - I answered quickly, then waited for the server to disappear again before I turned back to my company. - So suddenly I am your Love again? What happened to the cruel slut who ruined your life?

[April's fools on therapy]

April's fools on therapy

to; Lorien

2002.04.01.

language!

suit & mood

I knew that Lor will have some doubts about my plan which is honestly missing some details.
- And you think that would solve… the situation? - she asked, and if I wanted to be honest, I would have said, I'm not sure... but I aimed to convince Lor to give the plan a chance, not to be perfectly honest... we will get to that later when we solved the situation. So I simply said: - Yes... I think so - then for a short time, I didn't react yet to her other doubts, because I didn't know what to say... I had to think it through carefully. Of course, I couldn't promise her that my past self would decide differently than my present self... I was the same man and... I wouldn't take the unbreakable vow that I will choose her... I was never a religious person, but at this point, I could only pray that I would make the right choice... Which seemed obvious to me now: Lor.
I couldn't deny that a part of me still loved Deliah, because she was the very much opposite of me... a pure, spotless soul... who made me a better person back then... and at the same time, she was as cruel as me sometimes, if the situation required. And it happened a lot of times...
So Deliah had her place in my entire being, but I knew now, that she is the past... That Lor is the perfect woman for me not just in the present, but in the future as well. She always understood, encouraged, and loved me for who I am, and... she still blew my mind. I remembered the feeling that I felt for the first time I saw her. She mesmerized me... I felt a strong, insuperable desire to get her... in every possible way...
Now that I remembered the feeling, I answered, with a confident smile.
- I think you underestimate your power over me.
It was a big fat bluff, I don't deny... but I believed in that bluff with all my existence. The possibility to make everything right didn't only excite my imagination, but Lor's as well.
- How far could we… theoretically, travel back in time? Because if we truly want to fix this… We could try and snip this mess at its roots - she shared her idea with me, which honestly surprised me. I didn't think about this option, and it somehow scared me like hell... but on the other hand, it touched me... and it felt fucking... right.
- Well... we can go back as far as... we want... - I answered slowly, thinking about the changed scenario. What if... what if my love for Deliah was stronger back then than many years later, as I became Lor's loving husband... It could happen that if I knew the truth at the very moment Lor found it out... that I left our perfect life behind before it even started?
I felt terrified for this idea... but at the same time, I desired to put our relationship on new, crystal clear foundations.  I was tired of "If"s... I simply wanted to make our dream life come true again. So I answered - maybe a little bit - rashly:
- If you really want to do this... me too...I think we deserve the possibility to make everything right... - I said, then took a sip of wine. We didn't specify the details after that... not just because we didn't want to talk it over at a restaurant, but I think we needed time too, to process this all incredible plan. I didn't know how we will figure everything out, the only thing I knew that we will fight hard until we succeed. So when Lor nailed the question to me, if she is my love again, I slowly stroked her flawless face with my fingers.
- Yes... Finally, I see clearly again that you are the Love of my Life... And You always will be... The cruel slut never existed... Everything I said to you was the delusion of an immature asshole...

Thank you for the game!;)