Magányos tölgy

Miközben a festményen ügyködök, Morgan is beér a fa alá, és hátát a törzsnek vetve helyezkedik el. A kép előtt állok, így nem láthatja, mit is takargatok. Tulajdonképpen nem is tudom, miért rejtegetem, valahogy ösztönösen ugrottam oda. Egy darabka volt belőlem, és én átadni akarom, ezért sem mutatom meg neki rögtön. Na nem mintha ez lenne az első képem, amit látni fog, egyik nap már megmutattam neki azt a nagy, olívazöld mappát, amiben a rajzaimat tartom.
Morgan megjegyzésére elmosolyodom, úgy látszik nem sérült meg túlzottan, minden a régi. Aztán végignézek magamon, és mosolyom még szélesebb lesz, hisz ruhámat fű zöld foltja, föld barnája, és vér vöröse borítja. Előveszem a pálcámat, ami ott van mellettem, és egy gyors varázsigével megtisztítom.
- Így azért csak jobb! – nevetek egy aprót. Pedig azt én nem láthatom, hogy arcomat még mindig egy hosszú kék csík díszíti. A kis közjáték után sikerült feloldódnom, és a megszokott halvány mosoly is visszatér az arcomra.
Mikor rákérdez, mit is csináltam, kitűnő alkalom kínálkozott volna a festmény átadására, de ki tudja miért, nem léptem félre a mű elől.
- Egy ígéretem váltottam be. – válaszolom sejtelmesen. Kíváncsi vagyok, emlékszik-e egyáltalán rá. „Majd alkothatnál nekem valamit” én tisztán emlékszem erre az apró részletre, úgy, ahogyan az összes többire arról a napról. Majd meglátjuk, ő hogy van vele. Arra könnyen rájöhet, hogy festettem, elég csak rám, meg körbenézni. De a kíváncsiság mellett az időhúzás is szerepet játszik most, egyszerre csak azon veszem észre magam, hogy izgulok egy kicsit. Vajon hogy fog neki tetszeni a kép? Lehet, hogy csak nekem illik bele tökéletesen a véletlen keltette vörös fröccsenés, és ő majd talán furának, csúnyának fogja találni. Egy pillanatra teljesen elbizonytalanodom. Mindig azt mondom, hogy nem érdekel, ha valakinek nem tetszik, amit csinálok, de ez persze nem igaz, most különösen nem.

Holly

Bár tompa vagyok és nem száz százalékos, azért csak javul az állapotom és elérek a fa alá is, ahol helyet tudok foglalni nyugodtabban, na meg árnyékban, az sem elhanyagolható, mert most a napsütés csak rosszabbá teszi a fejem lüktetését. Viszont így, hogy enyhülnek bajaim, elkezdhetek foglalkozni jobban az engem körül vevő világgal. Mondjuk azzal, hogy Holly milyen jól néz ki ma, pláne ebben a ruhában. Megmozgatja a fantáziám, ami áldásos ebben az állapotban, segít, hogy ne a rossz dolgokra koncentráljak s tényleg oldódjak. Ez pedig neki is hasznos, mert rájön, hogy egy kis rendezés nem ártana, amit meg is tesz egy gyors varázslattal. Persze az arca kimaradt a szórásból, de annyi baj legyen.
- Hé! Én még egy gyógy-csókot se kapok az asszonykámtól? – kérdezem tréfásan, jobb szemöldököm kicsit felhúzva, hiszen már kezdek formába lendülni.  Majd meglátjuk, hogy az említett asszonyka mit szól a dologhoz. Igaz, hogy nem vérzek, de akkor se lehetek a csúcsok csúcsa. Előkerítek egy másik zsebkendőt. Egész garnitúra vászon zsebkendőm van, kettő-három szokott nálam lenni állandó jelleggel. Ezt megnedvesítem kicsit az egyetlen lehetséges úton a szám segítségével, a szememet összeragasztó vért pedig igyekszem ledörgölni, meg amit még lehet. Az úr a pokolban is úr. Közben van lehetőségem másra is koncentrálni, mondjuk arra, hogy Holly mit próbál előlem rejtegetni.
- Nocsak… - felelem neki. Sejtelmes válasz, ami kendőzi, hogy pillanatnyilag nem ugrik be, miről van igazából szó. Most az az anno domini társalgás ugrik be legkevésbé, másfelé kalandozom még mindig, ha tudná, biztos belepirulna a dologba, de hát én csak ilyen rossz vagyok, ő meg jó kislány. Az biztos, hogy festett. Na de mikor is ígért nekem ilyesmit? Valami dereng… Biztos kértem rá valamikor, ha máskor nem, hát azzal az alkalommal, amikor megmutatta mappáját alkotásaival, amik nekem nagyon bejöttek és szépen meg is csodáltam őket. Nekem nem menne az, ami neki, pont ez a csodálat alapja. Ugyanez persze fordítva is meg van, csak művészlelkek volnánk, bár más-más területről.
- Ha gondolod édes, akár meg is mutathatod. – közben csak előkerül emlékezetem tarsolyából, miután a kevésbé épületes, ám annál élvezetesebb töprengést háttérbe szorítottam. – Az üzlet az üzlet, a verset megkaptad. Persze még mindig úgy gondolom, hogy én járok vele jobban, de te mentél bele. – kacsintok rá közben. Ennyi kis hecc belefér a dologba, ugyanakkor egyre kíváncsibban várom, hogy mit alkotott Holly.

to Louise

What is wrong with this cursed letter?

Hear we go again, Louise and me. Oh god… It seems I always attracted to girls whose names’ starts with L? First, Liz and secondly Louise? It’s like a bittersweet joke. Ok, it doesn’t matter anyway, because Louise and me can never be more than just friends. Or even friends if I want to be correct with myself. I really don’t wanna be such a looser again! That girl it’s a tipical beautiful creature, who loves mess around with people just for her own aims. She’s kind of a selfish person… But first my instincts said to me maybe she's just pretending.

I remember our first date at Madam Puddifoot’s tea shop. I remember her incredible smell and I remember her ironic jokes whic made me laugh again and again and again. She loved the tea with honey and without lemon. She has a unique taste in music. And she is very clever even if a lot of students think she's stupid.
How come that it was just a fake story? She just wanted to be popular… To date with a black guy, it seemed pretty interesting for her girlfriends and for the second date she didn’t even come. No matter what I had to let it go...

It wasn’t easy but I did my best, studied and trained a lot, so I had not any time to deal with this looser issue. And now, suddenly she is just right in front of me, reading under that tree. Should I behave like I didn’t see her? Uhh, that’s lame.
Should I be like nothing ever happened between us? Alright, that would be cool… Or should I find another solution? I don’t have more time to think it over, she saw me.

-   Mmh. Hello Louise. What’s Up?
I try to be very indifferent, I dont’ look into her deep, green eyes. I only hope I succeed and my tactic is great. All in all, I shouldn’t be afraid, because nothing can be worse than that very looser day, when I waited for her 2 hours at the quidditch path…

It was another lonely and frightening day of the year – but at least it was coming to an end. It was April and the weather was exceptionally good. The sun was lightly shining through the leaves of the tree I was sitting under. The wind was blowing my hair but I couldn’t concentrate on it. My eyes were clouded and so were my thoughts.
Today I was forced to knee before one of the pure bloods, Roger Midhtlity by Imperio. It was humiliating I even now felt how the tears were gathering in my eyes. My mind tried to fight against the force, but was not just too weak but too clever as well. If I somehow would have rejected the power of the course I’d have to face another – even worse. So I quickly gave up and handed my body over to that little monster to do whatever he wished with it. Kneeing wasn’t even that bad...
As I was sitting under a tree I was trying to clear those memories out of my mind. I desperately needed to write my DA essay but I wasn’t getting anywhere with it. I was forced to face those things I had to write about – too many times to count – and I couldn’t even work up my mind to look at it objectively.
As I was thinking and blindly looking at the book in my lap I heard footsteps and they were close. I looked up from my book and before I started to panic I wanted to see who I’ll be running away from to know how far I should go before even glancing back.
My wand was shaking in my hand which I used as a bookmark before. I never forgot to have it in my reach as I never know when I’d need it.
The shape of the nearing person was getting sharper and I recognised it. It was Giacomo Santeria. And he was a potential treat. He wasn’t just pure blooded but he was also one of the guys I dated once - and from them one who I made a fool of. I tried to hide my face but it was too late, even later to run. That’d be even more suspicious and I didn’t know which side he’s on now. Back when I started to get to know him, he was a good guy. Even one of the best I knew. He was gentle, a little loony but definitely in a very sweet way and he was damn sexy – is damn sexy.
I knew when he recognised me his eyes told the story clearly. He was embarrassed which was a very good sing to me. Still, I could only hope that he’d be merciful. If he wanted some kind of revenge or just to punish me he’d never get a better chance to do it. He could just open his mouth and I’d have to face things I definitely didn’t want to.
My instincts were telling me that he is a good man but my mind thought it otherwise. I know I don’t trusted him – not that I trusted many people nowadays – so I kept quiet as he get even closer to me.
“Mmh. Hello Louise. What’s Up?” he asked still in embarrassment and I looked straight into his eyes. I was trying to find out his reasons for talking to me. He knew what I was and I knew that back then it didn’t disturbed him. Now I wasn’t so sure… I couldn’t be sure.
“Giacomo” I responded shortly and nodded. I was still sitting very still and I didn’t know what should I do but I pointed my wand secretly in his direction. “I’m just fine.” I lied and then kept quiet for a while. I didn’t want to ask him what is he doing here because I was still afraid of him but I needed to know. “Are you… are you going somewhere? Or just wandering around – enjoying the nice weather and all?” I asked not so surely. I could only imagine how big was the difference between my behaviour now and then in his eyes. My old self was entertaining, bold, interesting and loud. Now I was just as much a boring shadow as I could ever be. Even the shine disappeared from my eyes. I was now quiet and closer to my inner self then before. I observed things and I studied even harder then before. I didn’t play dumb anymore. I couldn’t afford it.

Is it Louise or not?

Now it's official. I'm out of my mind.

Am I imagining or she is truely different? Something has definitely changed in her aura. The nexus is also different between us. Where did her ego went away? Or it's there just I got blind more than before?
Oh man, it's hard to meet with your ex who was never your ex in reality just in your head and your wounded, miserable heart.
She asked something, after her polite but neutral answer.
Of course she is fine. Like everybody else in this cursed world.
- Nope - I shake my head softly.
- I came from quidditch training and I hate the sunshine.
With some of my friends we're trying to sport a lot to get over those shitty things which happened here and at home. That's why the lying sunshine make me angry. It's just a hypocrite.
Should I ask something or just let her study?
Maybe she realized that I've changed a lot too, since our romantic date at the teahouse. I have some grey hairbreadths in my hair... It's the result of the tragedy that happened to my sister, Rachel. Damn! I remember again that, instead of being tired enough to forget it for a single hour. And she is different too. I just wonder, what on earth could happen to her? She seems so exhausted. Now I look a little deeper in her eyes. In her brown and green, incredible eyes.
- What are You studying? Can I help You in something?
Now it's official. I am out of my mind, without doubts.

As I was sitting there and the wind was blowing my hair into my face I studied his face. He was measuring me quietly but with surprise written on his face. He definitely wasn’t expecting me to be the calm and observing kind of person. I wasn’t when he knew me. He knew me as the pretty and dumb mean girl - the one but not the only. I needed to be calm at least on the surface - as I was now. I wasn’t panicking as hard as I’d have if I had run into a Slytherin pure blood but I wasn’t at ease either - my wand was still on him. I needed to keep my peace to think straight. I learned how to read the feelings on other people’s face. I learned it years ago. It was how I became so damn good at fooling them. I always knew how to conquer different sort of people. Who I needed to be kind with and who disserved nothing else than my disdain. He got neither of my kindness nor disdain. He was a guy I dated because it was cool and fun back then. He knew me as a seducing but very simple person.
„What are you studying? Can I help you in something?”
And now he was even proving me right as he asked if he could help me study. Help me?! To the previous things he said I only nodded but this… I couldn’t help myself and my face turned into a frown. To help me study… It sounded so ridiculous. For Merlin’s sake I wasn’t in Ravenclaw for nothing. This was the only thing that could have given me away back when I was playing and I never knew how a lot of people never suspected anything. I was a bloody revenclaw! Not as cunning as a slytherin’d be but still.
I knew he just wanted to be kind and with his blood status combined I forced myself not to laugh out loud. It’d have been a very bitter laugh anyway.
“No thank you.” I said as politely as I just could. I couldn’t afford to be unkind and disrespectful to him. I was just a filthy mudblood after all.
As he was standing in front of me it seemed very much as if he wouldn’t want to leave no matter how much I wanted that. I wanted to be left in peace again. But he stayed. Putting his weight from one leg to the other, and he still seemed embarrassed. I didn’t know why he just didn’t leave. He was humiliated by me back then and after that I didn’t even gave a simple thought about him. What else could he want from me?
“Can I help you?” I asked. His behaviour started to make mine sparkle. I felt like a captured animal and I wanted to escape but he stood in my way which made me angry. “You know standing and not speaking doesn’t really count as a conversation.” I said a bit bitterly almost sarcastically. It sounded more like something I’d say than anything I’ve said yet. “I don’t know what you want from me, really. I dated you for fun and then dumbed you because you gave me what I needed.” I blunted out honestly, but still calmly. “I was a total bitch to you, so why talking to me? Do you want some kind of revenge now? It'd be the perfect timing.” I said because the dread finally got the worst out of me. I really wanted to run.

I can't even move away from my pain nor from You

I see how the wind is blowing her raddle hair and how she feels also uncomfortable in this odd situation. No, she doesn’t want help, alright, I thought so. But she becomes angry because of my helpful behaviour…
How could I be such a jerk that I wanted to help Miss Ego?
She is just the same she was before. „Standing and not speaking doesn’t really count a conversation”
So what? Who cares? Is she a student from Slytherin, who has a mask as a Ravenclaw’s girl?
-   As you wish…
I reply to her very silently, because if I wouldn’t control myself, I  could shout on her. Maybe I might.
And this is the point where it really happens, when she  brings up how cruel bitch she was.
-   No, I don’t want a revenge. I wanted to GIVE YOU A CHANCE to behave like a normal human being. UnfortunateIy I see it was a fault again. I turn down my voice from shouting to whispering at the end of my freeking out.
I don’t know why, but I continue on.
-   Maybe it’s such a long time ago that you spoke with somebody without any interests and aims that you don’t  even know how to do it.
Now I feel like a psychologist who doesn’t earn any money for what he/she does.
The truth is that I really should leave her alone, but for some unknown, mad reason, I just can’t. She seems even more depressed and lonely than I am. Maybe the war brings big pain to other people too? I think about Rachel and I want to run away nor just from Louise but from the whole world and universe too. My panic takes the control over me, this is the second time it happens in three weeks.  Instead of running, I sit down next to her because my whole body starts to shake so hardly that I’m not able to quit the situation. I can't hardly breathing, so my face becomes really pale. How miserable prospect. I'm literally lying at her feet.

The spring breeze was playing with my clothes and hair the whole time but it’s lost its calming sense when he showed up. I really was like a helpless animal. Something small and useless. And as usual when people are scared of something they try to destroy that in order to escape. I was no exception.
As he was standing in front of me I was desperately trying to scare him away. I just wanted an out because my paranoid mind told me he was dangerous and he could get me in great trouble.  
When my scared mind gets to its breaking point I tell him that in a very rude manner. I know that I’m unfair and that he is a very good guy who I shouldn’t talk like that but in this situation I just couldn’t see through the fog.
As my last attempt to escape failed my anger faded. The scare took over when I saw that instead of scaring him away I got him mad. Like really mad. His handsome face turned into a frown and my book just slipped through my shaking fingers to land on the ground with a thud. My wand was shaking as well and I now openly directed it at him. I didn’t know if he noticed it or not but I clung to it like dear life. It was all I have left as his angry sentences made me feel even smaller. I felt like a mean child as he through it all over me.
“No, I don’t want revenge. I wanted to give you a chance to behave like a normal human being. UnfortunateIy I see it was a fault again.”
When this left his lips my breath was caught in my throat. He didn’t want revenge. First my mind stopped it was like a shock. I really was a horrible person. He didn’t want revenge. I was just as rotten as the world around me. I couldn’t recognise kind behaviour anymore not even if I saw one. Just like now.
I started to see him in a different light. He was breathing heavily but he was just angry, there weren’t any evil in his eyes.
“Maybe it’s such a long time ago that you spoke with somebody without any interests and aims that you don’t even know how to do it.” That was true, and it was really close to home.
“You can’t imagine how long time ago it really was…” I whispered but I doubt he heard it.  I cast down my eyes to the ground.  I can’t look him in the eye. I was just a filthy little mudblood and he still was a very good person. Too good for me to even dare to look him in the eye. He was too pure for it. Now that is funny, pure…  
In the silence his angry breathing was clear and easy to hear. I felt regret for working him up like that. But then it became even more unsteady and loud. I had to look up. He was panting in a very bad way. Like as if he was having a panic attack. I didn’t know what to do when he through himself beside me. I get on my feet to try to get him to look at me. It reminds me of another situation when I had to face a panicking man. Well, that ended in a punch on my behalf and a kiss on his.
“Gia! Look at me!” I try to get his attention as I cup his face between my hands. I just hope he isn’t disgusted from my touch. “Hey! I’m here. Look at me and take a big breath it’ll be over soon. Come on. Concentrate on your breathing.” I tell him and like the idiot I was - I wasdoing it myself to show him how to. “In and out. Now do it. Do it after me – in and out.” I repeat. A don’t know which one of us is the paler at this point but my guilt is over my head as I watch him.

Breath in the future, breath out the past...

“You can’t imagine how long time ago it really was…” I heard this sentence but at the meantime I started to get my panic reaction. So I couldn’t react to it yet, even if I wanted so. If I have could, I would say something to understand her better. Her feelings, her past, her stupid games and aims and the disappointing and fear that I see now in her eyes. Time passes unbelievably slow and this experience starts to be similar with an out of body journey experiance.
“Gia! Look at me!” I hear it from a really far place. My heart is in my brain, I feel  the beat of it and it scares me even more.
And I see Rachel’s face again, that young, innocent, beautiful girl who was my sister. I feel that she needs me so much. I feel that somebody touched my face and it helps me a little bit to return to reality. I hear Louise’s nice voice, she’s trying to help me by showing how to breath. I follow her rhythm and I feel more and more alive with every breath. Breath in the future…breath out the past.
I arrived to the present moment. My breath becomes normal, so I can sit up next to her. I look into her eyes with a warm, kind way.
And I whisper as silently as Louise whispered just before. This is my answer for her, that I finally could say out.
„I know You weren’t like this before. It’s written on Your face. What happened to You. What Happened to You, little Ravenclaw girl?"

It’s a now or never point. If she can’t open up now to me, it will never happen.

He was totally zoomed out with his panic attack and I just stood there cupping his face while I idiotically tried to show him how to breath. One of my feet was standing on my book so I quickly kicked it away. Before the wind was nice, even calming. Now that I was freaking out it became chilly. Gia’s eyes started to focus again so I whispered multiple calming sentences again which I’m almost sure made no sense at all. Though it worked or he just came to his senses on his own. Anyways, I felt terrible causing him this kind of freak out. I didn’t know that trying to get him to leave will lead to this. Otherwise, I’d have just left.
I relished his face and stood I step back just to crash down the next moment beside him. I was feeling week of the sock and I couldn’t work up the courage to look him in the face again. I felt even lower than before his panic attack. What kind of person I really am? Horrible, no doubts.
Out of the corner of my eyes I saw his hands shaking still. This attack must have been really bad. Mine were just frustrating but I never forgot about the world around me. Mostly because my attacks came when I was in a situation when my adrenalin level overcame my panic so I could ran.
“I know you weren’t like this before. It’s written on your face. What happened to you? What happened to you, little Ravenclaw girl?" he asked in a low voice but I could hear him clearly. I didn’t want to answer him at the first place but somehow I felt like he deserved an apology and some answers. The racional part of my brain told me to shut up because he’s still a potential treat but I made an exception with him. He was nice and he really deserved this much at least.
“Obliviously, I wasn’t." I said with a sigh. It was really hard to confess my mistakes ‘cause I never made a habit of it. If I was wrong I just pocketed it and life went on. Some people came around some don’t. It never bothered me in the end. “I think the war changes everyone. It doesn’t let you play around and pretend to be someone else while you have to fight for your life every day.” I told him still not looking him in the eyes. I was about to pick up my book instead. “Basically, that’s what happened to me. War happened to me. You know that I’m a muggleborn so I’m constantly under watch. I can’t write to my parents in order to reduce the possibility of their death. I can’t interact with the others in class or anywhere else, by the way. Oh, and I warn you now that it’s not exactly wise from you to talk to me, neither it is safe. If someone saw us than we’ll be in great trouble.” Now I must look up at him, to really show him how serious I am. It’s not just a game we are risking our wands at best. “You know if this wouldn’t be happening right now probably I’d still be the same person you knew. You must know that my intentions were never bad. I just couldn’t care less until I got what I wanted. I’m not saying that what I did to you was all right, I’m just telling you this so you could understand me better.” He was listening I could tell and that made it easier to get to the point. “What I always craved is recognition. I wanted to show everyone that I’m better than them - smarter, prettier. You know people never understand how I managed to get into Revenclaw. They always think that just because I’m pretty I can’t be clever as well. And when I just pretended to be exactly like that they started to like me. As if they thought I found my true self. Bullshit.“ I paused for a moment to shake my head but then continued. ”They thought that I was cool and easy-going and everything except smart. They tried to use me as I got more popular but I wasn’t who they though so I got to use them. And unfortunately there were a few people like you, who I used just for fun and getting ahead. I must admit I was a little angry at the whole population for not recognising my true talents. I never wanted to be a bitch but until it get me famous and forward I was okay with it. I always thought that I’ll show them when I’ll be their superior.“ I must admit I was delusional. “Now I know they’d probably think that I screwed someone to get the position but that’s not the point. Overall, I’m sorry for the things I did to you. I took out my anger at you though you gave me no reason to.“ It felt nice to get it all out. I didn’t know what he’d say but I considered him a very good and a bit naïve person and a I just know that he’s the kind who excepts a few words for an entire take down. It still sounded funny to me. I always knew that I’m no good person but I only realised how deep I am these times. “The war drawn of all the fuss I built around myself but that still doesn’t make me a good person. I’m calculating and self-centered. So don’t forgive me just because you think I changed or out of pity. It’s just the surface.”